Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Letters, I get letters...


 “The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.” 
– Anonymous

Hello Blogiteers!

As you can see from the quote above, I am currently standing in the shallow end of the gene pool. Thank god for my hip waders, is all that I can say.

In my last blog I answered a piece of artistic spam with my typical Artbitch bluntness, and considered the matter settled.Those who’ve been served a bowl of my literary acid bisque rarely come back for seconds, I’ve noticed.

Recent examples?

Claire Lawton. She turned out to be equal parts candy ass and whiner. A brownnosing twit.

Martin Cizmar. Came back for thirds, still failed to scratch the paint of my Ego. An impotent douche bag.

Amy Silverman. The closest thing Earth has to Jabba the Hutt, It’s like someone made a Weeble Wobble out of Jello and willful arrogance. She’s dumber than a retarded kitten, and nowhere near as cute.

And now I have Lyn E. Williams.
It’s like Christmas came early, and I have an entire room of bubble wrap all to myself.

Ready to Snark, kids? I am. And as per usual Artbitch prerogative, my responses are in italics.

LYN E. WILLIAMS E-REPLY TO WAYNE’S RATHER POINTED RESPONSE TELLING HIM THAT PERHAPS SOIREE INTERNATIONAL INC.’S  “REALITY SHOW’ DOES IN FACT, SUCK LIKE A THAI HOOKER EARNING RENT.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi Wayne, (and we do actually know the name of everyone we write a letter to)

- Hi Lyn! (and that only applies to the 2nd E-mail you send, I believe.)You didn’t know my name. Which by the way, is Mr. Reich to you. Giving you the benefit of the doubt, I still have to ask- if you did know it, then why didn’t you use it ? Instead, you referred to me as “Dear Phoenix Artist”- an indicator that at the very least, you didn’t do your research before sending out your “spam blast”.

Thank you for your entertaining and personal letter.

- And thank you for failing to reach the bar I have set. Perhaps a step stool would help?

I see that we have struck a nerve

- More like drunkenly walked on it with golf shoes.

with you

- Who else?

in terms of  our venue selection,

- You mean the Douchebag and Cougar mating center? Yep, that screams “artsy” to me!

platform,

- Made of equal parts exploitation and humiliation, let’s see the Canadians top this.

criteria of artist selection,

- Translation: You got crayons and spray paint?  Come on down!

current video offerings,

- Oh yeah- I can see where your budget went. Hiring your cousin really paid off, hasn’t it?

and not the least [insert comma here!] writing style.

- Why are you so afraid of punctuation? Did a comma “touch you” as a child?   

I’m going to go out on a ledge here

- JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!  

and assume that you aren’t interested in signing up for our newsletter?

- Is it as excruciating to watch as your god awful “promo video”? 
If so, then let me pass it along to people I really hate.
 
Take care

- Take a hike.

and best of luck with your artistic endeavors.

- I would wish you the same, but you’re not actually engaged in any artistic endeavors, so I won’t.

Sincerely,

- Somehow… I doubt that.
Lyn E. Williams
CEO
Soirée International Inc.

 
- Respectfully,
 Wayne Michael Reich
http://www.WayneMichaelReich.com

Second bowl served with love, from a “Dear Phoenix Artist”

"The only thing that ever consoles man for the stupid things he does is the praise he   always gives himself for doing them." - Oscar Wilde

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