Letters, I get letters...

“The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.” 

– Anonymous

Hello Blogiteers!

As you can see from the quote above, I am currently standing in the shallow end of the gene pool. Thank god for my hip waders, is all that I can say. In my last blog I answered a piece of artistic spam with my typical Artbitch bluntness, and considered the matter settled.Those who’ve been served a bowl of my literary acid bisque rarely come back for seconds, I’ve noticed.

Recent examples?

Claire Lawton: She turned out to be equal parts candy ass and whiner. A brownnosing twit.

Martin Cizmar: Came back for thirds, still failed to scratch the paint of my Ego. An impotent douche bag.

Amy Silverman: The closest thing Earth has to Jabba the Hutt, It’s like someone made a Weeble Wobble out of Jello and willful arrogance. She’s dumber than a retarded kitten, and nowhere near as cute.

And now I have Lyn E. Williams. It’s like Christmas came early, and I have an entire room of bubble wrap all to myself. Ready to Snark, kids? I am. And as per usual Artbitch prerogative, my responses are in italics.

LYN E. WILLIAMS E-REPLY TO WAYNE’S RATHER POINTED RESPONSE TELLING HIM THAT PERHAPS SOIREE INTERNATIONAL INC.’S  “REALITY SHOW’ DOES IN FACT, SUCK LIKE A THAI HOOKER EARNING RENT.

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Hi Wayne, (and we do actually know the name of everyone we write a letter to)

Hi Lyn! (and that only applies to the 2nd E-mail you send, I believe.)You didn’t know my name. Which by the way, is Mr. Reich to you. Giving you the benefit of the doubt, I still have to ask- if you did know it, then why didn’t you use it ? Instead, you referred to me as “Dear Phoenix Artist”- an indicator that at the very least, you didn’t do your research before sending out your “spam blast”.

Thank you for your entertaining and personal letter.

- And thank you for failing to reach the bar I have set. Perhaps a step stool would help?

I see that we have struck a nerve

- More like drunkenly walked on it with golf shoes.

with you

- Who else?

in terms of  our venue selection,

- You mean the Douchebag and Cougar mating center? Yep, that screams “artsy” to me!

platform,

- Made of equal parts exploitation and humiliation, let’s see the Canadians top this.

criteria of artist selection,

- Translation: You got crayons and spray paint?  Come on down!

current video offerings,

- Oh yeah- I can see where your budget went. Hiring your cousin really paid off, hasn’t it?

and not the least [insert comma here!] writing style.

- Why are you so afraid of punctuation? Did a comma “touch you” as a child?   

I’m going to go out on a ledge here

- JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!  

and assume that you aren’t interested in signing up for our newsletter?

- Is it as excruciating to watch as your god awful “promo video”?  If so, then let me pass it along to people I really hate.  
Take care

- Take a hike.

and best of luck with your artistic endeavors.

- I would wish you the same, but you’re not actually engaged in any artistic endeavors, so I won’t.

Sincerely,

- Somehow… I doubt that.

Lyn E. Williams
CEO
Soirée International Inc.  

 - Respectfully,

 Wayne Michael Reich
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Second bowl served with love, from a “Dear Phoenix Artist”

"The only thing that ever consoles man for the stupid things he does is the praise he   always gives himself for doing them." - Oscar Wilde